My private Cumulonimbus
14
APRIL, 2018
Depression
Life

2017 was probably one of the hardest years in my life.  We finished the year on a low point but my personal lows were a lot worse than ours as a couple and I can only thank the Wife and certain friends for being there for me.

Mental health is becoming less of a taboo than it was when I was younger.  We are now encouraged to talk about issues and seek help and support from groups like Beyond Blue.   They are great resources for information and support.

It is very easy to say and recommend those sites unless you are the one that is being recommended.  I have been battling with my own Private Cumulonimbus for a while now and thought by sharing, it may help others to also realise the journey isn’t a straight line.  Seeking help initially was easy but to keep going back is not something easy to do when it doesn’t feel like you are getting fixed.

Like any good cloud cover, some days you can see the sun and others not so much.
Together we can do anything.  Sometimes it is hard to believe it.

A Cumulonimbus is a storm cloud.  From the latin cumulus (“heaped”) and nimbus (“rainstorm”).  Think of thunderstorm and you will know what I mean.  I like to describe it as a dark cloud that seems to follow you around.  You just don’t know when it is going to rain next and how bad the storm will be.

Last year, an event at work triggered my storm.  I went immediately to a doctor for help.  He prescribed some pills to help sleep and a referral to a psychologist to talk things through with.  The psychologist, in turn, chatted about various topics and gave me literature and books to read.  Over this time and getting enough sleep, I seemed to come good and had found my smile again.  I thought, wow this really does work.

It was only a few months later that the first cracks of thunder and lightning appeared again.  Work reneged on my severance package and refused to communicate with me about it.  At this point, the storm clouds began to circle once again.  I thought I could keep them at bay but then, who can control the weather?

At times, it seems overwhelming and my moods go from good to bad.  I have always been resilient and it almost shocks me at times, how fast and bad the storm can be.  Yesterday was a really nasty storm.  I feel battered and bruised but will make myself get up and pat the dog and cats and try to think positive thoughts.

The strange part is that I know that when the storm hits I am not thinking rationally and I also know things will be ok.  The world does not hate me, I am not unsuccessful in life and in fact, I have a lot of people around me who care.  Knowing these things I can keep moving forward an hour at a time, a day at a time, a week at a time.